Day 15 - Tired & Scared

So after all the excitement yesterday, my sister came over and I ended up falling asleep watching a film - so when my alarm went off at 5.15am this morning I really did want to just roll over and go back to sleep. I dragged myself out of bed and off to yoga before work. I'm actually really looking forward to having an evening to myself on Saturday - I've no real plans for it, maybe I'll make a green smoothie and then settle down with a book or enjoy a long bath (gone are the days of a cheeky glass of wine in the bath!). Whatever I end up doing I'm definitely going to RELAX and do something soley for the purpose of me.

Today was quite cool but also a bit unnerving as the realisation that my life will never be the same again actually hit me. This isn't a temporary measure by any means and its something I will continue to do and be. This evening was actually a real turning point for me - I saw a really good friend who I've not seen for a while and who is also used to me being what would usually be described as 'fun' - many a time has been had over a glass of wine or a mojito, or five. SO, when the wine came out I politely declined and found it wasn't actually difficult sitting there whilst she was drinking once I'd gotten past the 'no, thanks' part of the situation. I still think a lot of the people around me believe my rawness is a temporary situation and that I will go back to 'normal' once I've finished losing weight, my skins cleared and my other superficial reasons have come into fruititian. The hardest thing is just accepting that this is how I want to spend my life now and dealing with the issues that come up and surround that.

A lot has been written in other people's blogs, books, the internet, about the emotional awareness that eating raw brings; I DEFINITELY have felt this and if I'm totally honest, was probably another factor adding to my 3 weeks of half-arsed effort of being raw in July and not just the increased socialness with my non-raw friends. Currently, I'm trying to accept that this is part of the long term path I have to go down and am dealing with stuff day-to-day as it comes up as anything more than that just seems too overwhelming: I swing from accepting my life and being happy that I am truely blessed to be surrounded by people who love me to thinking that there must be more to life than central london and wanting to run away into the world and never stop discovering new places and new people.

I know some big changes are going to come, they were bubbling under the surface before I went raw but I was able to ignore them for a time. Now, I don't feel I can progress with raw or my emotional health if I don't eventually deal with them. I hope I have the courage to do whats best for me when the time comes, as I know this is the only way I'll be truely happy - I don't want to have wasted my time here leading a mediocre life working just to pay a mortgage or my taxes.

In the short-term, I've decided to take some time off next summer and perhaps maybe volunteer somewhere or go on a course - just something that ignites something inside me. I haven't decided at all what, where or even for what cause but just as something I want to experience and enjoy. Maybe there's a raw retreat I can work at or go to, I don't know, all I know is I'm going to have some fun finding out and discovering where I want to go and what I want to do. I'm scared to admit a huge change is definitely on the cards in the next year or so but also more than a little excited.

Who knew all this was going to happen when you were told to eat your greens??